After A Deadly Affair
by ucsbdad
Summary: More in the After...Series. This is Kate and Rick, After When the Bough Breaks.
1. Chapter 1

After a Deadly Affair

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No, can't say that I own Castle. Rating: K Time: At the end of A Deadly Affair, as if the title didn't give that away.

**Author's Note: The other night I watched the commentary on A Deadly Affair that I had somehow overlooked when I got the DVD a while back. This is the result. **

"So, how long before Castle did you figure out that this was about counterfeiting?" Esposito asked, glad to see Beckett happy again.

Beckett made no reply, but just smiled.

Espo went on. "I'm still a little mad at him for not calling you. Um, us, that is."

Beckett shrugged. "Castle's thought process can be a mystery."

Esposito waited a few moments and decided to say what was on his mind. "Even so, I think he was trying to be a gentleman."

"By coming back to us?" Beckett sounded very skeptical.

"No, by not calling."

Beckett turned to face Esposito. "Ignoring us is what a gentleman would do? Did you fail Etiquette 101 at the Academy?"

Espo shook his head. "If he called us, he'd have had to drop by. If he dropped by, as far as he knew, he would have been intruding on you and Demming. I don't think he would have felt a discarded boyfriend would have been very welcome. He had no way to know you broke up with Demming. How would you like it if you worked with Gina and you saw her and Castle together each day?"

"Castle was never my boyfriend." Beckett snapped. _No, I saw to that. Instead of spending the summer finding out what we'd be like together, I spent the whole summer with an ache in my gut, constantly reminding me how stupid I'd been. He spent the whole summer with that blonde. I couldn't stop wondering what the two of them were doing, especially when I was alone in bed at night. I'm probably damned lucky that he bothered to come back to me at all. Assuming he came back for me, and not for some other reason._

"He was well aware of that. He doesn't know you like I do. You had picked Demming over him as far as he knew. To him, you looked a lot more comfortable and happy with Demming after a couple of weeks than you did with Castle after a year with him. I don't recall you ever threatening to shoot Demming. Castle came to the obvious conclusion, you didn't want him. Can't blame him really."

"I did not pick Demming over him." Beckett knew that wasn't true. _I picked Demming because I could be in control. When I told Demming we were through, he accepted it and that was it. He didn't try to get himself killed in a gunfight to impress me. Why can't Castle do what I ask him to?_ Kate smiled mirthlessly to herself. _Be careful what you ask for, Kate, you might get it. You repeatedly asked Castle to just go away and he finally did. He should have known you didn't mean it, shouldn't he? Sure. _

Esposito shook his head. "Castle's was here for more than a year. He didn't need to do that much research and I don't think he has a repressed desire to be cop. He stuck around for you. Everyone in the precinct, including you, knows that."

Kate nodded and glanced at what she always called, to herself, Castle's chair, sitting right by her desk. For a split second she felt the empty ache in her stomach that she'd felt all summer long. Then it was gone. _Castle will be back in that chair tomorrow. And, in spite of everything, I do know that he's coming back for me. But what does he want from me? Does he just want to be my partner? After a lifetime of writing about crime, does he enjoy the challenge of a real crime with a real detective? Or is this all about sex? I know he wants me. Hell, I've read the sex scenes in Heat Wave so many times I know them by heart. He's writing about the two of us, I know. And I'd love to make love to Richard Castle, more than any man I've ever known. But would that be it? Once he's made me his conquest, would he grow bored and want to move on to the next challenge?_ Kate shook her head. _Castle was egotistical, but would he go through gun battles, beatings, death threats and bombings to stay with a woman just so he could sleep with her? That wasn't egotism, that was a psychosis. No, Castle had to want more than just sex. Did Castle want a real, long term romantic relationship, then? Marriage?_ Beckett suddenly had an image of herself as ex-Mrs. Castle number three. _No! No way in hell! I want a one and done and a one and done forever. Castle has never stayed with a woman in his life. Why would I think I'd be any different? Why wouldn't I be different?_ Came unbidden into her mind. _I'm nothing like Meredith or Gina. It could be different for us. Tell yourself that when you're crying your eyes out at the divorce lawyer's office._ She thought savagely.

"It doesn't make any difference why he stuck around. He's back with Gina, remember?"

Esposito snorted. "I sure didn't hear him say anything about still being with Gina. And what if he is? She's his ex-wife for a reason."

"Maybe it was Castle's fault. Maybe he realized he made a mistake._ We've both made out share, haven't we? I'm sure his didn't hurt as badly as mine._

"Yeah. He probably realized that getting into a gun battle with a pair of killers so he could get back with you was just the thing that Gina would want him to do."

"That still doesn't mean we're anything but partners." _He chased after Kitty Canary. He didn't have to. He could have stayed where he was, but he didn't. We saved each other's lives. Well, that is what partners do. He didn't know I was out there. It could have been Espo or Ryan out there, he could have saved one of them. Damn it! I have no idea what goes on in that handsome head of his. Ruggedly handsome. _She corrected to herself with a smile._ I may never figure him out._

"Partners for now." Esposito checked his watch. "I'm off, Beckett. Good night."

"See you tomorrow." She replied, automatically echoing Castle.

She sat at her desk and looked fondly at his chair. _Castle would be back tomorrow. And when he was, he'd be her partner again. He wouldn't be anything more until he had proved to her that he could be what she wanted. She would accept nothing less._

Javier Esposito smiled as he walked away from Beckett. I looked like she finally had a chance for happiness. A certain someone just needed a little push.

Castle showed up the next morning with two cups of coffee and headed straight for Beckett's desk.

"Bro," Espo called out, "she's briefing Montgomery on the status of our cases for the monthly report. She'll be another half an hour or so."

Castle shrugged, put down the coffees and took his seat. "I'll just keep myself busy here."

Esposito shook his head. "Come with me. I got something you need to see."

Castle followed the detective to a storage room in the back. Esposito closed the door behind them.

"This is what you need to see." Esposito said, holding up his fist. "You may be the wealthy writer and I'm just a cop, but if you ever hurt Beckett, I will hurt you. I will hurt you bad."

Espo was happy with Castle's reaction. He wasn't scared, he was angry.

"Where the hell are you talking about? I would never hurt Beckett. Damn it, in case you missed it, I risked my life for her yesterday. Why do you think I would ever hurt her?" 

"Because you already have, bro."

Castle shook his head. "Okay, she was mad at me because I didn't call her. What was I supposed to do, call her up and ask what she and Demming were doing? She knew I…cared for her, but she made her choice and it was Demming. I accepted that and walked away. Is there some sort of police procedure I wasn't told about that I should have followed? How the hell was I supposed to know they only lasted for the summer? It looked to me like she'd finally found her one and done. Why the hell was she so mad at me? Damn it! Everyone was mad at me."

"Castle, she broke up with Demming before your going away party. When she asked to talk to you alone at the party, she was happy. Normally she'd only look that happy if she'd caught a freaking serial killer. Hell, she's been happier than I've ever seen her ever since you showed up. But as soon as you ex showed up, she was miserable. She was miserable the whole damned summer. I don't know what happened, but you broke her heart, bro."

Castle swore under his breath. She was going to come with him to the Hamptons for Memorial Day, and maybe a lot more. Not being able to go with him was bad enough, but to see him go off with another woman. That was twisting the knife in the wound. "Crap. I'm lucky she didn't shoot me."

Esposito nodded. "You're lucky we all didn't shoot you. So, are you still with Gina?"

"Sort of. We're still seeing each other."

"Sort of doesn't sound like much of a commitment to me. So what are you going to do?"

"Javi, I appreciate the insight into Beckett, but I need to hear something from her before I start going off the deep end. To tell you the truth, from day one I have had no idea where I am with that woman. Rather, I have a different idea about every fifteen minutes. Sometimes I almost think she'd like us to be a couple, others, I think she'd love for me to just disappear. When I came back, we made a deal. If I figured out how our three vics were connected, I got to stay and be her partner again. If she figured it out, I left and never came back. That day she was perfectly happy at the thought of seeing the back of me forever. But then she cheated. She let me be the first to figure out it was counterfeiting."

"You knew?"

Castle smiled. "Not until you confirmed it just now, but I had my suspicions. I'd never write a story where the best detective in the NYPD lost out to a writer unless the writer got lucky or cheated. I got lucky because she cheated."

"Then she wants you back."

"She did yesterday. She may change her mind today. Look, Espo, Beckett is absolutely the most fascinating, challenging, complex, utterly infuriating and totally confusing woman I've ever met. If you want to beat me to a pulp, be my guest. But I am not going to live my life to suit the whims of Detective Kate Beckett. We'll be partners, but nothing else, until I can see some evidence she actually wants more."

Espo nodded slowly. "Okay. I can see your point. But one thing, I know Beckett a lot better than you do. I can interpret her moods where you can't. If you ever feel like it'll never work and you want to move on, talk to me first. I'll have a better handle on things than you. Talk to me first, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now get out of here, bro. If we're in here too long, people will start to talk."

When Castle was gone, Esposito smiled. Things were looking good for his two partners.


	2. Chapter 2

After 3XK

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No, I still don't own Castle. Rating: T Time: Immediately After 3XK

"I know that feeling."

"I know you do." Castle replied.

Kate gently put her hand on his thigh. She was happy when he covered her hand with his own and held it. _Castle is different than I thought when I first met him. _Kate thought. _He's sitting there distraught because a serial killer left him alive as a punishment. Tyson will kill again and Castle feels responsible because he didn't figure out who Tyson was sooner. What kind of a man feels that way?_ She immediately knew the answer. _A very good man._

She thought back to the frantic minutes following Martha's phone call. _We couldn't reach either Castle or Ryan. Something had to be wrong. Very wrong. _She remembered the frantic ride to the motel._ I never thought about Ryan even once. All I could think about was Castle. I expected to find him dead, right up to the moment I kicked the door in and found him alive. That was when I realized that I had been holding back a tidal wave of horror in my mind. The exact horror I had felt when my mother was murdered. _

_Congratulations to the brilliant Detective Kate Beckett._ She thought sarcastically. _You've solved the most important mystery in your life. You know that you love Richard Castle. Too late, of course. Castle has found someone else, you're just an also ran in his life. _

She shook her head, ever so slightly. _No, I'm still important in his life. I'm his partner still, at least. He'll bring me coffee every morning, build theory with me, tell me his absurd theories and catch killers with me. God, I hope he can keep his mouth closed about that blonde. I'll have something, even if it's not enough._

_Could I have more? I know he's physically attracted to me. He's made that clear. It would be simple. Just whisper in his ear. Tell him how much I've wanted him. How much I've needed him. That I've wanted him since I was reading his books to help me deal with my mom's death. I'd look at his picture on the back of the book jacket and wonder what he was like. Wonder what it would be like to sleep with him. Tell him that I want him even more now that I know him. Where would we go? To his place? No. That blonde would be there, waiting to share his bed. Even If she wasn't, Martha and Alexis would be there. My place? No. I couldn't stand the thought of walking into my bedroom and knowing I had once had the man I love there and lost him. The backseat of my Crown Vic?_ Kate smiled briefly. _I was a teenager the last time I made out in the backseat of a car. And it's not what I want with Castle. Well, we have a motel room here all paid for. Why not use it? _She was appalled as soon as she thought of it. _Sleep with Castle in one of Jerry Tyson's crime scenes? That would repel him for sure. It's no problem, really. There are plenty of discreet hotels in Manhattan. We could find one._

Her mind drifted to the sex itself. _Castle seems to be into bondage. I've always hated bondage. I can't stand the loss of control and I don't trust people who willingly give such control to others. Could I do that for Castle? I can see myself, naked and handcuffed on Castle's bed. Writhing with passion and begging Castle to punish me for being so stupid, so foolish, so damned afraid. Richard Castle with absolute control over me. I'd love every minute of it. Whatever he wanted, I'd be grateful for. So that's where you are, Kate? Hoping for a pity fuck from Castle? Yes. In a minute._

_I'm kidding myself. Castle is a gentleman. He wouldn't cheat on that blonde. He'd never use me like a cheap one night stand. He'd be upset if I asked him to take me to bed. He wouldn't want to work with me anymore. He'd be gone._

A sudden thought chilled her. _How long would it be before that blonde told him to stop working with me? She's his publisher. She knows he doesn't need any more research. What woman would allow a relationship like ours to compete with her? _

_You've been afraid all of your adult life, Kate. Just go back to being afraid. Afraid of love, afraid of commitment, afraid of happiness, afraid of everything. Just watch Castle take your one chance of happiness away because you were too afraid. _

_There's Josh. He's a good man as well. He'll never be what Castle is to me, but it could work. I could find something with him._

"I feel so god damned stupid and useless." Castle said suddenly.

"You're neither. Believe me." Kate took her other hand and put it on top of his, giving him a gentle squeeze.

"Thanks, but it doesn't make me feel any better. People will die because of me."

"Look around you, Castle. What do you see?"

He was puzzled. "A motel."

"Sitting next to you. Walking all around you."

"Cops?"

Kate nodded and squeezed his hand again. "Highly paid, well trained detectives. Not one of us ever thought of Tyson as anything but a minor player. You figured it out. Without you, we'd be convinced we had the 3XK killer and Tyson could kill for years before anyone caught on. You've probably saved some lives."

Castle just nodded.

_At long last I'm sitting here holding Beckett's hand. I've wanted this for months, a year maybe. But she's just doing it to try to convince me I didn't screw up. It's what a partner does. It doesn't really mean anything._

_Okay, at least I'm still her partner. I can see her every day. She isn't cutting me out of her life, like I thought she was with Demming. She just wants me as her partner. We are a good team, after all. I'll be her police partner and doctor motorcycle boy will make the stars shine for her. A nice division of labor, if I wasn't in love with her. _

_How many times have I screwed this up with her? Let me count the ways. When I made the Ledger's ten most eligible bachelors list, I acted like I was insulted that anyone would think I was attracted to her. How stupid could I have been? You've been pretty stupid there, Rick. You always have been with women, why change now? Would it have killed you to have told her you liked her? Admired her? Enjoyed being with her? Couldn't you have done one damned intelligent thing with her? Too late now. Like they say, too soon old, too late smart._

_There's still Gina. I'd better not let her ever know she's in second place with me. A distant second at that._

_Look at you! You're past forty and your daughter, who has been your whole life, is growing up. In a few years she'll be out of your life and living her own life. Do you want to end up old and alone? Better grab Gina while you still can._

Suddenly Castle couldn't take any more. He wanted to go home and quietly demolish a bottle of scotch. He disengaged himself from Beckett and stood up. "Sorry. I really need to go home." He bent over and stopped short when he realized what he had almost done. _Oh my god! I almost kissed her!_

_Oh my god! He almost kissed me!_


	3. Chapter 3

After The Good, the Bad and the Baby

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Still don't own any of this. Rating K+ time: After the Good, the Bad and the Baby.

**Author's note: This is way out of the sequence of the other After…vignettes, but I had the idea, so I wrote it. I have some more Afters…from season three in mind.**

Kate slid into bed next to Rick and slipped her arm across his chest. "I'm stuffed. If anyone calls about a murder before about noon tomorrow, pretend you don't speak English, Mr. Rolfe."

Rick nodded. "Agreed, Pocahontas. I'm afraid that if I move, I might just roll off the bed, I'm so full."

Kate kissed him lightly. "Good night."

"Um, Kate?"

"Yes?"

"I shouldn't tease you like I did."

Kate giggled. "I'm not opposed to a little teasing."

"There's something I teased you about that I'd like to clear up."

"You don't have to apologize for teasing me. I mean, I tease you all the time." Kate ran her hand under his tee shirt. "Do you really not like that?"

Rick ran his hand through her hair, causing some to fall out of the sloppy bun she'd put it in. "I like it. It's just there's something I accused you of that I know isn't true."

"Accused me of?" Kate began to worry. In spite of everything, there was still a very tiny part of her mind that told her that Rick Castle couldn't possible want some cop.

"When you were standing on that damned bomb? I told you I knew you fell for me at once. I know that's a damned lie. I fell for you first. There's no question of that."

Kate touched Rick's forehead. "There's no fever, but you're obviously delirious. Should I take you to the emergency room?"

"I'm serious. From the first day I met you, I knew you were special. I was fascinated by you."

"Fascinated is not love, writer boy. Or did you get the pages of your dictionary stuck together again?"

"That's writer man, if you don't mind. And I'm not through. Do you remember when I went out with that woman who was on the Ledger's ten most eligible bachelorettes list? And you went out with that fireman?"

"Sure. We ended up eating dinner together at Remy's. So?"

"In spite of the fact that I said I was upset with being romantically linked to you by the paper, I knew they were right. I had talked about you the whole interview. And when I saw you there with the kitten saver and I looked at my date, I knew I'd asked the wrong girl out. I knew I was in love with you when we ate our cheeseburgers together at Remy's."

"So that's when you knew you were in love with me?"

Rick nodded. Kate threw both arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Then she sat up, threw her leg over his torso and sat astride of him. "Woo! Woo! Another win for Team Beckett! YES! Give me a B! Give me an E! Give me a C!.."

"What are you doing?' Rick said, laughing.

"That was when you fell in love with me, Mr. Castle? That was when?"

"Yes. Do you think I'd lie to you?"

"Do you remember saying goodbye to me in a hotel lobby after we'd reunited Mr. Hajek with his son?"

"Of course."

"And you stood there and told me that you were going to off and write books about some Englishman instead of partnering with me? Well, you broke my heart! We were standing there shaking hands and I decided I was going to drag you behind a pillar and either pistol whip you into staying with me, or I'd sexually assault you."

"In the hotel? I would have hated being pistol whipped." He said with a smile. "But why are you so happy?"

"Because, Castle. I was first. I knew about us before you did. While I was working on our relationship, you were inventing idiotic theories about time traveling penguins, Buddhist conspiracies and giant rats in the sewers. I did all the heavy lifting for us while you made jokes. If not for me, we wouldn't even be at the hand holding stage by now. If our relationship was up to you, we'd go down the aisle in wheelchairs. I'm responsible for us. There's an us because of Kate Beckett and Kate Beckett alone. And don't you ever forget it!"

Castle laughed. "I will never forget how lucky I am to have you, even if you didn't plan on reminding me every day." Rick slid his hands under Kate's tee shirt. "Can I give you something to show my appreciation?"

"You'd better."

**More author's note: Every time I think about it, I come up with a different idea of when Rick and Kate fell in love with each other. Unlike this fic, I do think Rick was the first to find out that he was in love. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know. Maybe I can write more on this. Or maybe not. **


	4. Chapter 4

After Poof! You're Dead

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No mine. Rating: T Time: Right after Poof! You're Dead. (The title was a dead giveaway, right?)

Castle and Beckett left the precinct just in time to see the tail lights of the comfort food truck disappear around the corner.

"Damn." Beckett growled. "And I was hungry, too."

"Rico's Pizza is still open, just down the street. Their pizza isn't too bad. Come on, my treat."

"I can pay for my own pizza, Castle. I'm a big girl." She snapped.

She headed down the street without waiting for a response from Castle, but he followed right behind, with a bouquet of fake flowers still in his hand.

_Damn it._ Beckett thought. _All he did was offer to buy me a couple of slices of pizza. Why did I have to bite his head off?_

_She's setting boundaries. _Castlethought. _Letting me know that there are some things I can do, some things only doctor motorcycle boy does. I should have expected that. I hope I still get to bring her coffee in the morning._

Rico's wasn't too crowded and their two slices of pizza apiece and two beers were soon sitting before them in a booth near the front.

Castle thought about Beckett and that soon brought him to his final argument with Gina.

"_I will never understand why you turned down the James Bond book deal and chose to write about that detective."_

_Rick had sighed. This had looked like the start of a new argument. "In case you missed it, your bosses at Black Pawn offered me a huge amount of money for three new Nikki Heat books."_

_Gina had snorted in derision. "That was no reason to turn down the Bond deal. You can write about that detective any time, the Bond deal was a one-time offer. They'll never ask you again now that you've turned them down."_

"_I'll survive." He had replied grumpily. He was getting damned tired of the arguments._

"_Not if you spend all of your time down at the precinct with that detective. Do you know how little you've written in the last year?"_

"_I've met my contractual obligations." He said shortly. It bothered him a little that Gina could never manage to call either Kate Beckett or Nikki Heat by name. It was either "that detective" or "that girl in the book"._

"_Can't you see what that little bitch is doing to you?"_

"_What?" Castle's eyes narrowed. This was worse than usual._

"_She's using you. Do you think no one knows that you gave her $100,000 to pay for a fake hit so she could shoot the man who killed her mother? Assuming he had anything to do with it and it wasn't just a cold blooded killing. And you never asked her for a penny of it back." _

"_I gave the money to the NYPD, not to her. And, she offered to pay it all back. I told her to forget it."_

"_More the fool you are then. She damned near got you killed there. If you hadn't been there, nothing would have happened. It was her fault."_

"_And in case you've forgotten, I was there for the shooting. I had a ring side seat, in fact. I know exactly what happened. It was Coonan's fault."_

"_She's obviously using you."_

"_I've been used by women before." Gina apparently didn't realize he was referring to her._

"_It wouldn't surprise me at all if she writes one of those tell all books one day. "The Real Nikki Heat, or How I Led Richard Castle Around By His Nose."_

"_Beckett isn't that type of person." He said coldly._

"_Richard, do you think I don't know all about her kind of person? A woman in a man's world? The little slut has probably screwed every man in that station and everyone she's ever worked for."_

"_Kate Beckett is not a slut. Don't call her that." Castle struggled to control his temper._

"_I'll say one thing for that slut, she's smart. She may screw everyone else, but she figured out she can get more out of you by not screwing you."_

"_Just stop, Gina."_

"_You realize she has a boyfriend? Some doctor. She's probably banging him right now. Screaming out his name while you sit here and moon over that little slut."_

_The fact that Kate was probably in bed with her DMB hurt Castle. He was getting so angry he couldn't trust himself to say anything to Gina._

"_I'm just trying keep you from damaging your career and hurting yourself. You've almost been killed several times, I know."_

"_I'm alive." He spat out._

"_No thanks to that cheap little whore."_

_Castle glared at Gina. That was enough. "You're a world class expert on cheap little whores, aren't you?" He said coldly._

"_What does that mean?" She barked back at him._

_Castle began to list all of her indiscretions, real, imaginary and theoretical, with each word getting louder until the whole restaurant could hear. Could hear both of them._

_After he had stormed out of the restaurant, Castle had gone home and gone to his office to go online. He had checked every celebrity gossip page, and every video site. He had made a lot of them with the argument, but luckily no one had picked up the first part of the argument. Beckett's name hadn't been mentioned. At least she wouldn't be mad at him in the morning. _

That brought another thought about Kate Beckett to Castle's mind. _I have to figure out some way to get out of this arrangement in a hurry if I have to. If Doc Motorcycle Boy is her one and done, there's no way I'll be there to see her walk down the aisle. I'll have to make sure I'm unavoidably detained in Darkest Peru or something. There's no way I'll be shadowing Mrs. Detective Kate Motorcyle Boy either. I can't…_He stopped. _Hell, why not admit it. I won't want to see the woman I love with someone else. _

All of a sudden, Castle felt very, very tired.

Kate had carefully watched Castle since they had sat down. He had stared at his plate the whole time, ignoring her completely.

_Damn it! What's wrong with me? All he did was offer to buy me two lousy slices of pizza and a beer and I acted like he'd asked to fuck me in the middle of the bullpen. _An imagepopped into Kate's mind. _Castle was sitting in his chair, fully erect. She was sliding the last of her clothes off. She smiled at him and drove herself down on him. She whispered in his ear, how much she wanted him, how much she needed him, how much…No! That was never going to happen. She was positive that whatever Castle wanted it was more than sex. A lot more. He had put up with too much in the last several years for it to be only about sex. But if it was, sleeping with him was the sure way to lose what she had. Once she gave in, he'd look for another conquest. Sleeping together might even end their friendship. She had to keep at least the friendship they had. She needed that too badly to risk._

_The twin thing he had called it. He was right. They completed each other's sentences, they solved murders at the same time. Even his off the wall theories got her thinking outside the box, often with important results. She had only experienced this "twin thing" one time before, with her mom. Was Castle as important to her as her mom had been? _

_The twin thing didn't extend to what Castle thought about them. _She thought_. I'm positive he was jealous of Demming and he sounds jealous of Josh. But what does that mean? He's not a one and done kind of a guy. He's never stayed in a relationship with a woman for any length of time. He'd break my heart before long if I let him. After what I went through with my mom, I couldn't go on if I lost someone I loved again. _

_Josh could be good for me. Damn! Do I want to settle for a man I don't…_She sighed to herself. _Say it. For a man I don't love like I love Castle. _

Castle looked up briefly, but didn't make eye contact with her.

_He broke up with the blonde. Even though he was the one who called it off, he's probably upset. Why doesn't he want to talk about it with me? _Kate almost laughed out loud. _Right. Kate Beckett the original keep-it-all-bottled-up-inside girl wondering why Castle won't share his inner most thoughts with me._

She looked at Castle. He was a handsome man, rich, smart and charming. There were depths to Castle she hadn't seen at first, but which she clearly saw now. _Will he go back to the bimbo of the week now? Take a break? Try something with me? _That last both frightened and excited her. _We'd be great together, but for how long? I know how long I want. Forever. Nothing less. Not even for Castle._

"I should go home." Castle said suddenly, tipping his beer bottle up and draining it.

"I'll be done in just a second."

"No, don't hurry. I'll be all right. I'm a big boy."

She felt embarrassed to have her line shot back to her. _Damn it! Damn it! Why did I have to say that?" _

She finished her pizza in two huge bites and downed her beer. "I'm done." She said, grabbing her coat and following him outside.

They stood on the sidewalk for a moment. "See you tomorrow?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, I guess." Castle turned to walk back home.

Kate reached out and grabbed his hand. _He always says tomorrow! _

She held onto his hand and smiled. "I expect a lot out of the people I work with. They're cops and they have known since they put on the badge that they were expected to put out 110% every day without being thanked for it. I forget sometimes that you're a volunteer. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate what you do every day. I couldn't do this without you anymore and I don't know how I'd manage without you. Thanks! You are appreciated."

Castle smiled at her for the first time since they'd left the precinct. "Tomorrow, then, Beckett?"

"Tomorrow." 


	5. Chapter 5

After Knockdown

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No, I really don't own this. Rating: K Time: Not quite the end of Knockdown.

"Always." Castle said.

Kate kept holding his hand and nodded slightly. _He means it._ She thought. _He said it before, but that was before he was in a gunfight and beat Lockwood unconscious. And now I know he means it. He's going to have my back while we take on some vast, shadowy conspiracy that can hire trained killers, provide cover identities and remain completely off the grid._

_What the hell am I doing?_ She thought. _The cop in me says I should tell him to stay the hell away from me. He's a writer, not a cop. But I won't do that. Whatever he isn't, he is my partner and I'd rather have him watching my back than anyone else. As much as I'd like to, I can't tell him to stay away._

Kate thought about all that had happened. _When I asked him why he kept doing this, he didn't say anything for a moment. He was going to tell me something. He was going to tell me why he's really been shadowing me for all his time. But he didn't. Instead, he told me he was my plucky sidekick. We settled on being partners, which is what we've been now for over a year anyway. Could we be more than partners? No! Not now. I've spent too long tracking down my mother's murderers. Maybe when this is done, if this is ever done, I can think about Castle in another way._

_Not about Josh? _She jeered to herself. _Damn it! Damn it to hell. How could I get myself in a mess like this? Focus. _She said to herself. _You have a murderous conspiracy to take down. Focus on that. And hope that when it's over you're still around to make choices._

_The kiss. He kissed me. At first I was surprised, then I realized he was distracting the guard. Then I realized he was distracting me. The second time we kissed, it wasn't to distract the guard entirely. I wanted him. How I wanted him. I've wanted that kiss for a long time. I'd love to drag him off somewhere and repeat that kiss over and over. No, I'd never be able to stop at a kiss. We'd be in bed at the end of it. That wouldn't work. Aside from the fact that I'd be cheating on Josh, who doesn't deserve that from me, what would it do to my partnership with Castle? Right now I need him as my partner. I need him so damned much._

_God! How could I have let him follow me into a gun battle? He didn't even have a weapon. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that I can't bear to try this without him. I hope he feels he has to stand with me._

Castle relaxed. Beckett was holding his hand again. _That's the second time now. _He thought. _I could get used to this. She even called me Rick. I could…_

_No I can't. I have to keep her alive. I can't think of anything else. Keep Beckett alive. You told her you'd be her partner. That's what she needs right now if she's going to live through this. You can't afford to think of her as anything else but a woman who needs your help to stay alive._

Suddenly, he thought of the kiss. _Amazing. No, that was far too weak a word. She reacted to me. I know she did. I'd do anything for another kiss from her. No, another kiss would lead to…_He had a vision of Beckett sprawled on her bed, naked and inviting, smiling at him. His imagination betrayed him by adding Doctor Motorcycle Boy to her bed. _Damn! I'd better not think of Kate at all._

_One thing. I'll have to stay with her no matter how serious it gets with DMB. I can't let her down by not being there every second for her. I'll hate it, but I'll even go to their wedding if I have to. Anything for Beckett._


	6. Chapter 6

After The Final Nail

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Why, yes. I don't own a bit of this. Rating: K. Time: After the episode, The Final Nail.

"Liar." Kate Beckett said, lightly hitting Castle with her elbow.

Castle shrugged and followed her to a nearby bar. Once inside, he ordered a Scotch, and she, a white wine. They sat in silence for several minutes.

"The suspense is killing me, Beckett."

Kate looked up, puzzled. "What suspense?"

"When are you going to tell me, "I told you so?"."

Beckett shook her head. "I'm not."

Castle raised an eyebrow. "You're not? Who are you and what have you done with Kate Beckett?"

She smiled. "It's me, Castle. And I'm not going to tell you, "I told you so." for two reasons. First, you're the one who proved that Damian Westlake was involved in his father's murder. He'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you. I had nothing to do with it. It would hardly be fair to criticize you for solving a crime."

"Okay, I'll accept that. What's the second reason?"

Kate leaned back in her chair and looked at Castle. "I'm not as interested in criticizing Richard Castle as I once was."

"Please elaborate, Detective Beckett." Castle bowed slightly in his chair. "I'm fascinated."

"I was not impressed when I first met you."

"I'm shocked. You're telling me you didn't fall for me at once?"

Kate shook her head. "You know I'm a big fan of your books. I had a very, very idealized picture of what Richard Castle would be like. No one could have lived up to what my imaginary Richard Castle was like. I expected you to soar into the bullpen to the strains of "Thus Spake Zarathustra", to speak in a voice like brazen trumpets, solve my meaningless little case, and then leave, scattering benedictions to one and all."

"That's pretty much how I remember it."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Instead, I got an over-age frat boy who couldn't be serious and spent all of his time trying to get me in bed."

"That's not true. I was very serious about the case. You may remember, I told you that you had the wrong guy?"

"I know, Castle. And I distinctly remember you not saying, I told you so."

Castle smiled at her. "I'm glad we didn't go to bed."

Kate did her best to look shocked. "What? I'm not up to your high standards?"

"It's not that. But if we had slept together, I might have decided you were just another woman and not the remarkable Kate Beckett. Think of what I would have missed."

Kate smiled, but inside she was churning. _Finally._ She thought. _He's actually admitted that his interest in me is for more than to get me in bed. So, he wants to be my partner, or…something else? And if it's something else, how long would it last? Damn! I may never figure him out. And I so want to._

The waitress came and Castle ordered another Scotch. Beckett still had most of her wine.

"And think of what I would have missed. I would never have discovered the remarkable Richard Castle. You are far more than the image that you project to the world, Castle. Far more. You're a devoted family man, very intelligent, very caring, a risk taker, and all in all, a good man. I'm glad I met you. The earlier you needed to be taken down a peg every once in a while. The you I now know doesn't need to be told, I told you so."

"Why thank you." He said with a smile.

"How are you feeling?"

"Still lousy about being so wrong about Damian Westlake. I set out to be Damian Westlake those many years ago. I'd hate to think I'd succeeded on some level."

"Think about this, then. Would Damian Westlake, on his very best day, ever be the partner of the remarkable Kate Beckett, or would that have only happened with Richard Castle?"

"Well played, Detective Beckett." Castle raised his glass to her.

They sat quietly together.

_What will the future bring?_


	7. Chapter 7

After Law and Murder

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Yes, I still do not own this. Rating: K Time: Really? You need to ask?

"_I shouldn't be doing this."_ Castle and Beckett thought simultaneously.

Castle watched the opening credits of Forbidden Planet scroll by.

"_What was I thinking of, lying to Beckett to get her to take me to this movie? I don't lie to women, not anymore. Have I ever lied to get a date? Lie, not a little harmless exaggeration, but a full blown lie? And to Beckett? Suppose Alexis mentions something about Forbidden Planet being one of my favorite films? Christ, she'll kill me if she finds out._

_Jenny Donaldson! I lied to her when I was sixteen to get a date with her. She loved rock music, so I told her I was in a band. Big deal. I took her to a dance, she fell madly in love with the drummer and I never got a second date with her. _

_It's not just the lie. It's the lie to Beckett. She's different. _Castle smiled to himself._ Who am I trying to kid? I lie every day to Beckett. She asked me why I stayed with her and I lied. I told her I was her plucky sidekick. I didn't tell her I stay because I love her. If I tell her that, then I'm out of her life for good. I'm her partner, nothing else._

_I can't get out of her life. I'm trying to keep her alive. So, the greater good, then? I lie to Beckett to keep her safe. Am I saying the ends justify the means? God, where has that attitude led to in the past? What's my alternative? Congratulating myself on my innate honesty at Beckett's funeral? Beckett's funeral? What was I thinking of? You are going to lie, cheat and steal to keep Kate Beckett safe, and if you lose her because of that, so be it._

_Are sins of omission as bad as the sins of commission? Does not compute. Forget it, just keep Beckett alive._

_I will. Richard Castle, twice married playboy will do the honorable thing and save Kate Beckett for Doctor Motorcycle Boy. God, but I hate irony. _

Kate glanced over at Castle, seemingly engrossed in the opening scenes of Forbidden Planet.

_He could get killed. How can I even ask him to do this with me? _Kate smiled mirthlessly. _Who am I kidding? Richard Castle will stay out of my life shortly after hell freezes over. From the first case we ever worked he wouldn't, couldn't follow orders. I remember how angry I was when I found he'd stolen the file for the Tisdale murder. And he solved the case and caught the killer with me a step behind all the way. _

_If only I could sit down and really talk to Castle about…everything. I know he cares for me as I care for him. But he's so damned egotistical and immature. _Kate found herself sneering at herself. _When did you find him egotistical and immature? Was it when he followed you into a gunfight with no gun? Maybe when he battered Lockwood's head into the floor, saving your life and Ryan and Esposito's? Was it when…_Kate stopped. _This is getting me nowhere. Castle is Castle and I may never understand him. But he is my partner, the best partner I've ever had, the only one I want. But if I get Castle killed…_

_No! Do not think of that. Think in the short term, you're good at that. Stay alive, keep Castle alive, find whoever ordered your mom's death. Worry about everything else later._

_Oh God! I have a boyfriend and a partner and I don't know how I really feel about either one. Josh is my chance for something solid, something real. Castle is my chance for…magic. But magic never lasts. Does it?_

_We have to talk when this is all over. _Castle and Beckett thought simultaneously. 


	8. Chapter 8

After To Love and Die in LA

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own everything! It's mine, all mine! Um, not really just checking to see if anyone pays attention to these disclaimers. Rating K. Time. On the plane ride back from LA.

Kate Beckett finished reading Mike Royce's letter, folded it back up and put it in her purse. She glanced over at Castle, sound asleep next to her.

_Mike, I don't think you'll have to worry about an "if only" with me and Castle. At least I hope not._

_I had a bit of an epiphany the other night. He sort of flirted with me, so I did what I always do when he gets too close. I ran. I stood there in my room for a few seconds, feeling very foolish, and then decided to go back into the living room and join him. Too late! He'd already gone to bed. _

_I walked back into my room and had a long talk with myself about how I feel about Castle. After about five minutes, I noticed something. I had been debating the pros and cons of sleeping with Castle and I hadn't given a thought to my official boyfriend, Josh. I had no problems cheating on Josh with Castle, not even after I'd remembered about Josh. I'll have to break it off with Josh as soon as he gets back to the US. I think he suspects there's something between Castle and me. I think he'll take it well. _

_It's amazing how many people have seen that Castle and I really are a couple and how I've refused to see it. Here's an odd thought. Have I really been Castle's girlfriend all this time and just didn't realize it? If so, I've had all the problems of being with Castle with none of the benefits. I think I'll like the benefits._

_Mike, please don't think I'm just going to hop into bed with him as soon as we're back in New York. I'm still a one and done girl, Mike. I want forever. That hasn't changed. But I have hopes for my twice married playboy boyfriend. There's his family. We both know that there are fathers out there that look at their children as punching bags or worse. Castle is the exact opposite. He would do anything for his daughter and does. But he's still a parent to her, and a good one. He's raised a fine young woman. I can't help thinking that of he can maintain that good a relationship with Alexis for that long, there's a chance for us. Oh, you'd enjoy his mom, too. She's an actress and a bit over the top, but he obviously loves her and would do anything for her, too. _

_Oddly enough, meeting one of his ex-girlfriends helped, too. From what I know of his two ex-wives, I thought he went for superficial and shallow women. But Kyra was different, real. I didn't think he did real. It was obvious to me that even after twenty or so years, he still loved Kyra. But he was a gentleman when they met again at her wedding. Now that I think of it, I hope he didn't go after Kyra again because he had his eye on a certain damaged detective of our acquaintance. Here's hoping. _

_Then there's what he's put up with to be with me these last two years. He's gone through as much as any cop ever has, but he's a writer. I can't think of any reason he'd do all of that except to be with me. I know I'm at the point where I don't think I could keep doing my job without Castle._

_I think we have a chance, Mike. I know I'll try my best as I want this very badly. You know I was only nineteen when my mom was murdered. I never had a really serious, serious boyfriend in college. I thought I had all the time in the world, but I didn't. I've nearly made the same mistake with Castle, so I know I can't waste any more time. I'm not sure how to do this, though. I did love you, Mike, I really did, but not in the same way I love Castle. I've never had a really adult relationship with a man. Ever since my mom died I built a wall around myself to keep me from ever loving anyone again whose death would hurt me like mom's death did. Castle has made quite a dent in that wall and between the two of us, we'll bring down that wall._

_You're right about not putting the job before your heart. I've been doing that and I see that I was wrong. Castle told me once that the heart wants what the heart wants. I didn't think so at the time, but he's right. My heart wants Castle. I'm positive his heart wants me. _

Beckett looked over at her sleeping partner. _Castle, you have no idea._


	9. Chapter 9

After Deep in Death

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Oddly enough, I still don't own this. Rating: K Time: Duh! Just after Deep in Death.

Kate Beckett sat alone in the darkened bullpen, arguing with herself. As in many such arguments, both sides were losing.

_How could I have done that?_ She asked herself. _I had a chance to get rid of Castle permanently, then he came in, apologized, looked at me with those sad blue eyes and I told him I'd see him tomorrow. How could I be so stupid? He's an egotistical ass and he did the one thing he knew would hurt me the most. He deliberately looked into my mom's murder I told him never to do that._

_Oh, yes_. Her other self jeered at her. _He looked into mom's murder. He actually found evidence that you never found._

_That's not the point. I almost went out of my mind trying for three years to solve mom's murder. If I try to look into her death again, I could go down a rabbit hole and never come out._

Her other self wasn't buying any. _And why did you almost go out of your mind? Because you found nothing. That's what drove you to the edge. You looked and looked for three years and the reports just sat there and told you nothing. But Castle found something. Three other people dead the same way? One of whom knew mom? Another lawyer and a documents clerk? How hard would it be to look at those cases? If there's nothing there, you can quit._

"I can't do this again!" Kate was surprised that she had spoken out loud. She quickly looked around. No one else was in the bullpen.

_Oh? Why did you become a cop again? Wasn't it to solve mom's murder? You told Castle that you can't stand the thought that mom's killer would do ten years and be out on the street, but you're just fine with him being out on the street right now, unpunished? What kind of a cop are you?" _

"Fine." Kate whispered. "I'll go get the three files tomorrow. They'll be in storage. I can just walk in and look at them. If there's anything there, I'll take them and really look at them. If there's nothing there, I'll just walk away. But I won't let Castle get involved."

Her other self laughed. _Of course. Why let him in on this? You're the detective, not him. Tell me again where would Harrison Tisdale be today without Castle? Enjoying his inheritance? How about Melanie Cavanaugh's murder? He suggested you look at the crime scene. Where would Theresa Candela be without Castle? Enjoying the results of kidnapping her own daughter? Castle noticed the bunny was gone. You didn't. _

Kate swore under her breath. "Dammit! All right. Castle has been a help. And if I find something, maybe he can help." She muttered. "Assuming he's around. The book is almost done and he hasn't gotten me into bed, he'll probably lose interest."

Her alter ego laughed. _Sure. Tell yourself that. How long did those actors hand around the 23__rd__ Precinct a couple of years ago? A couple of weeks, then they were gone. He's not here for local color, he's here for you. _

_He's here to get me into bed. Once he figures out I won't sleep with him, he'll be out of here.  
_

_Maybe. Maybe not._

_Oh, come on. He made a play for me at the end of our first case. _

_And you're so desirable that Richard Castle is going to spend months chasing after you?_

_Hey! I have good legs, a great butt, okay boobs and a good face. I'm not as young as I used to be, but when I started here I was "that hot rookie". It took me and Royce together to keep all the creeps from groping me._

_Keep telling yourself that. Castle can get all the women he wants. Why, he can get more than even he could possibly handle. He's probably bedding a couple of supermodels right now. Do you think he's that hot for you?_

Kate felt an unaccustomed clenching in her gut at the thought of Castle writhing in bed with two gorgeous women.

_Have you ever thought that maybe he likes you?_

"Bullshit!" Kate said out loud. _He's not interested in any kind of long term relationship._

_Oh? He has a pretty good relationship with Alexis, doesn't he? And with Martha?_

_That's different_. Kate thought. _They're family. I'm not_.

_And how many men have you seen over the years that treated their family terribly? Castle is not the man you thought he was when you first met him. There's more to him than you thought. _

_So what am I supposed to do?_

_Easy. Do what you're going to do with the evidence of mom's murder. Take it slow and easy. If there's nothing there, than it's over. But in the meantime, you're having fun for once. And who knows where this might lead?_

"I'll look at the records tomorrow. But I won't tell Castle unless I have something definite. A solid lead."


	10. Chapter 10

After When the Bow Breaks

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Have I ever claimed to own Castle? No! Rating: K+ Time: Isn't it obvious?

Kate Beckett walked into her place, slammed the door behind her, and walked over to her kitchen. She grabbed a bottle of wine, a glass and then sat down heavily on her couch. _Damn! Damn! Damn! _She thought to herself. _I thought he liked me. Just a little maybe, but I really thought he liked me._ She laughed bitterly. _What did you think would make him like you? Was it when you said you hated him? Maybe those times you said you'd shoot him. How about the time you said you'd break his legs if he called you his muse again? You criticized his last Derreck Storm novel, based on what? Your vast experience as a writer? He's Richard Freaking Castle! He's written twenty four best sellers. Twenty four! Oh, and you also lied about not reading the Nikki Heat book after he got it for you. He did get it for you, after all. How could you possibly think he'd know you'd want to read it after all the things you said about Nikki Heat and the book? Nikki heat is a stripper name. That's what you said._

Kate took a long drink of her wine and felt tears start in her eyes. She wiped her eyes. _No! I won't cry over this. He wanted to write that damned book about Bond, I know he did. I told him he could. I told him he could do what he wanted. I didn't ask him to do what I wanted, and he didn't ask me what I wanted. And then the book release party. God, did I ever screw that up! Nikki Heat needs a better writer? I love the damned book. Nikki is what I wish I was. Okay, we're both good at our jobs, really good. We're good looking. We can attract men. But Nikki isn't paralyzed by the thought of ever letting anyone get past her defenses. She isn't terrified of losing someone she loves like you're afraid of losing someone, just like you lost mom. She slept with Jameson Rook. She isn't afraid._

She took another long drink of her wine, then drank the rest of it down. She got up and refilled her glass, then sat back on the couch. _ He didn't even have the courtesy to ask me if he could keep shadowing me. He left the details to his agent. I'm just some minor business arrangement to him. He even tried to pretend he had nothing to do with it! No reason to ask if Kate Beckett _wants_ Castle around. And I do, dammit, I do! Even with his silly theories and his wild speculation, he's…He's fun. Dammit! How could I have screwed this up so badly?_

She took another long drink of wine. It was starting to relax her. _I screwed this up from the beginning. _She thought. _I was so impressed when I first met him at the launch for the last Derreck Storm book. Okay, I didn't let myself go all fangirl on him, but I' a cop. I have to be professional. But he was such a disappointment. He was so…immature! Except that he did keep you from arresting the wrong man and getting him convicted. Not so immature then, was he? _

Kate sighed. _He asked me out at the end of the case. I turned him down. My favorite author, the guy who solved my case and I turned him down. He hasn't asked me out again. He could suggest we get a drink after work, maybe grab a bite of lunch. Maybe even a real dinner date, but he hasn't asked._

_I hate one night stands. I hate them, but I should have gone to dinner with him and gone to bed with him. Would that have changed things? Would I have just been another conquest? Someone he'd sleep with and forget? No, he had Nikki Heat in mind even then. I know it. _ _And now he has three books to do and that means I have time._

She drank the last of the wine in her glass. _So what do I do with the time? I know he likes me! He has to like me! He's not what I thought he was like when we first met. I've seen him with Alexis and Martha. I've seen with crime victims. I can do this! I have to be less abrasive with him. But I can't start gushing over him like he was my favorite author and the man who kept me from completely losing it when Mom died. I have to be professional, but friendly. That's it, professional but friendly. And I'll see where that leads. If anywhere._

Richard Castle walked into his place, slammed the door behind him and walked over to his kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of Scotch, and a glass, then sat down heavily on his couch. _Damn! Damn! Damn! _He thought to himself._ I thought she liked me. Just a little bit maybe, but I really thought she liked me._ Castle laughed at himself. _Sure, what's not to like? I treated her like some damned bimbo. I said she could spank me, I came onto her at the end of the first case. Sure, I could be her conquest. And how about telling her there in the morgue that I'd explain how sex works? No wonder she hates me._

Castle downed his Scotch and filled his glass again. _I saw her pain there in the precinct on the first case when I told her about herself. I saw it again when she told me about her mom and dad. She needs someone to comfort and help her, not insult her._

_The Nikki Heat book is good, I know that. But it sent the wrong message to her. I was trying to show her that I thought she really was remarkable, tough, smart, dedicated, compassionate, oh, and slutty. I had to say slutty. It's no secret that she's Nikki and I'm Rook, so naturally she took the book to be just my pornographic imagination imagining what she'd be like in bed. _

Castle downed his second Scotch. It was relaxing him. _I tried to talk to her there in that hallway in the SRO. Of course she isn't happy to be the real life Nikki Heat. Then there was the book release party. I thought the dedication was nice. Maybe I should have said more. Or less. She told me to do what I wanted to, that I would anyway. Hell, all I wanted was to get some idea of how she would feel if I stuck around. _

Castle thought about it and poured himself a nice, stiff Scotch. _ What was Paula thinking of? If I'd had a heads up, I could have broken it gently to her, maybe I could have mentioned that I do think she's the most remarkable, infuriating, complex and fascinating woman I've ever met. I should have said something, but she just seemed to get madder the more I talked. I do want to be with her. Even if the book had been a bust, I'd still find some way to be around her, learn more about her, comfort her pain, maybe even…_

_I do have time now, though. I have a three book deal. I need to try to control myself around her. I can't do or say anything that'll make her think the only thing I'm interested in is getting her in bed. I'd love to, of course, but I want more. We deserve more. Except there is no "we"._

_Okay, so Rick Castle will be calm, cool, collected, professional and maybe…Maybe, and then again, maybe not._


End file.
